The Pursuit of Happiness Is Bullsh*t (And What Actually Helps Us)
Happiness isn’t a destination you arrive at and unpack forever.
It’s a fleeting emotion, beautiful, but not built to stay. Meaning, however, is what steadies you when happiness comes and goes.
I am certainly not the first (and definitely won’t be the last) to express and explore this sentiment, but it has been on my mind lately, in my personal and professional life, so here are my musings.
We’ve been sold/ cleverly marketed - a very polished, pretty little lie.
The nice, shiny idea that if we just think positively enough, journal more often, manifest hard enough, buy the right planner, do another course, heal our inner child, fix our attachment style, do more, be better, try harder, wake up at 5am, hang on I haven’t mentioned yoga or gentle parenting yet, AND drink something green that tastes mildly like lawn clippings, we will arrive at happiness.
And once we get there?
We’ll stay there, right?
Glowing. Calm. Centered. Never bothered by traffic or getting every, single red light again.
WRONG. I want to put my therapist hat on here, and gently (lovingly) say something that might feel uncomfortable:
The relentless pursuit of happiness is not only unrealistic, but also often the very thing keeping people stuck and making people feel worse.
And if you’re exhausted from trying to feel better all the time, you’re not failing at anything.
Congrats, you’re human!
Happiness Was Never Meant to Be a Permanent State
Emotions are not a loyalty program, and happiness is not a permanent membership tier you unlock after enough self-development.
Emotions move. That’s literally their job.
Joy rises.
Grief falls.
Fear protects.
Anger mobilises.
When we treat happiness as the goal of life, every other emotion starts to feel like a problem.
Sad? Something’ must be wrong.
Anxious? You’re obviously failing.
Flat? Clearly you need a new morning routine.
But from a nervous system perspective, there is nothing abnormal about fluctuation. In fact, it’s healthy. You are not malfunctioning because you feel things.
The real problem isn’t that you’re not “happy enough”.
The real problem is that you’ve been told you “should be”.
The Happiness Trap
Psychologist Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap, explains that the more we chase happiness, the more distressed we often become. The harder we try to avoid discomfort, the bigger it gets. Why? Because we start fighting normal human experiences.
When your internal dialogue sounds like:
“I shouldn’t feel like this.”
“Other people cope better.”
“Why can’t I just be happy?”
Firstly - Let me gently say: other people are often not fine. They’re just very good at editing the highlight reel.
Secondly, these thoughts rarely make you feel better, they leave you feeling defective.
And so, we avoid.
We numb.
We overwork.
We scroll.
We drink.
We stay busy.
Not because we’re weak, but because we’re trying to escape discomfort.
But what if discomfort isn’t the enemy?
Meaning > Happiness
Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, in Man's Search for Meaning, wrote:
“Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear almost any ‘how.’”
Notice he didn’t say, “Those who are happy.” Frankl did not survive unimaginable suffering because he was happy.
He said, “Those who have a why.” He survived because he had meaning.
And decades of psychological research support what he observed: people who orient their lives around meaning; contribution, values, connection, growth, report deeper life satisfaction than those who prioritise pleasure alone.
Happiness is a feeling.
Meaning is a direction.
Feelings change based on sleep, hormones, weather, and whether someone replied “k” to your message.
Meaning holds steady.
What Meaning Actually Looks Like
Meaning isn’t quitting your job to live in Bali (unless that’s genuinely your thing, and if it is - go you). But often meaning isn’t grand or glamorous. It doesn’t require a TED Talk or a life mission statement.
It looks more like:
Parenting when you’re exhausted because you love your kids.
Going to therapy even when you’d rather reorganise your pantry than face that discomfort.
Having hard conversations instead of walking away.
Choosing integrity over immediate comfort.
Doing the boring-but-important thing because it aligns with your values.
Meaning is often inconvenient.
It requires courage.
It asks you to tolerate discomfort instead of running from it.
And strangely — it tends to bring a deeper, quieter, more sustainable form of contentment in its wake.
Not the Instagram-happy but the grounded, “my life makes sense to me” kind.
The Nervous System Knows the Difference
When we chase happiness, we often chase stimulation, dopamine hits, quick wins, distraction, fast relief and instant validation.
When we pursue meaning, we engage something different: steadiness, connection, coherence.
From a trauma-informed lens, this matters.
Many of the clients I work with aren’t unhappy because they’re failing at life. They’re unhappy because they’ve learned to avoid pain at all costs. And avoidance shrinks life.
When we gently turn toward what matters, even in small ways, the nervous system begins to reorganise around safety and purpose rather than fear and escape. When you start making choices based on what matters, not just what feels good in the moment, your nervous system begins to trust you.
Avoidance shrinks life. Alignment expands it.
That’s powerful. That’s healing.
A Gentle Reframe
Instead of asking:
“Am I happy?”
Try asking:
What matters to me right now?
Who do I want to be in this moment?
What would alignment look like today?
What small action would move me toward meaning?
Where am I living from fear rather than values?
Happiness might visit.
It often does.
But when meaning is the anchor, you no longer panic and doom spiral every time happiness takes a lunch break.
The Truth No One Markets
A meaningful life will still include:
Grief,
Anxiety,
Uncertainty,
Vulnerability,
Disapointment,
And bad days where you eat cereal for dinner and question everything.
But it will also include:
Depth
Integrity
Connection
Growth
And the kind of self-respect that doesn’t disappear when your mood dips.
One is glossy.
The other is real.
And real, messy, imperfect, deeply human, is where healing lives.
If you’ve been quietly wondering why the constant pursuit of “feeling good” isn’t working — you’re not broken.
You’re human.
And perhaps the work isn’t to feel happy all the time.
Perhaps the work is to build a life so aligned with what matters that even your hard days make sense.
Kate x
Supporting you to find meaning and fulfillment, even (well especially!) on the days where happiness is harder to come by.
