What does Calm even mean?
calm (n.) — a gentle steadiness in the middle of life’s noise; a moment when your body and mind can rest, even if everything around you isn’t still.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what it really means to feel calm.
What comes to mind for you when you hear that word?
In my experience, when people say they want calm, they usually aren’t imagining a blissed-out, unbothered, unthinking, unfeeling version of themselves. Creating calm isn’t about becoming a Zen master who never feels anxious, overwhelmed, or emotional. It’s not about fixing yourself, getting rid of feelings, or doing mindfulness perfectly.
What I usually hear, is that people just want a break, a rest, a reprieve. Most of the time, it’s about small moments when your body can relax a little, your thoughts quiet down, and you feel a bit less on edge, reactive, or drained by your own nervous system.
A lot of people I work with think calm is something other people just have, that somehow, they missed out. I want you to know, I don’t see it that way. Calm is about understanding what’s happening inside your body and mind, building skills that actually fit real life, and creating moments of steadiness even when things are still hard. It’s about learning how to work with your nervous system, rather than fighting it.
Being human is inherently messy. Life doesn’t come neatly packaged, and no matter how much therapy you do, how many downward dogs or meditations, life will still throw curveballs at you. In both the personal and professional worlds I see every day, moments of difficulty and suffering are part of the picture. If there were a secret to endless happiness, I’d gladly share it (and I’d probably be out of a job!).
We live in a world that’s constantly flooded with hard, scary, and confronting things, the news, world events, politics, social media hype, opinions, and endless comparison. Everywhere we turn, there’s something designed to make us feel like we’re not enough. For our nervous systems, it’s relentless. No wonder we often end up feeling tense, reactive, or drained if we try to navigate it all without taking a pause.
Calm isn’t the absence of difficulty
One of the biggest myths I see in therapy is the idea that calm means nothing feels wrong or everything is okay. In reality, calm can be much subtler. It might look like:
feeling anxious and knowing how to ground yourself
noticing your thoughts racing and having a way to slow them down
being triggered and recognising what your nervous system needs
letting difficult thoughts exist without spiralling
having hard days without feeling completely derailed by them
feeling unsettled but still being able to care for yourself
Calm isn’t the absence of emotion or challenge. It’s capacity. It’s flexibility. It’s the ability to carry some steadiness with you and come back to yourself, even when life feels messy.
Calm isn’t a personality trait
Many people describe themselves as “just an anxious person.” What I often notice is a nervous system that has learned to stay alert for very good reasons. If you’ve lived with ongoing stress, unpredictability, emotional pressure, or responsibility for others, your system adapted. It learned to scan, prepare, and stay switched on.
For many people, calm was never modelled growing up. If your environment was unpredictable, emotionally unsafe, or chronically stressful, your nervous system adapted to survive. There is nothing wrong with you. That’s not a flaw, it’s intelligence. The tricky part is when these patterns stick around long after they’re needed, leaving you tense, overwhelmed, or constantly on guard.
Why I talk about “creating” calm
Calm isn’t something you either have or don’t have. It can be created, gently, imperfectly, and in ways that fit your life. For many people, calm was never modelled or consistently felt as safe growing up, so the nervous system prioritised protection over rest.
Creating calm is about exploring new ways to respond to your body and mind. It isn’t about forcing relaxation or avoiding hard feelings. It’s about finding ways to come back to yourself when life feels overwhelming.
A gentle next step
If this resonates, you’re not alone.
If this is something you would like to explore deeper, I’ve put together a gentle online course called Creating Calm if you’d like more guidance on understanding your anxiety and finding practical tools at your own pace. You can explore it whenever it feels right.
Take care of yourself,
Kate x
