I’ve Talked About It for Years… So Why Does It Still Hurt?

This is one of the most common questions I hear in the therapy room. Many people come to counselling feeling frustrated. They've talked about what happened. They've read the books, listened to podcasts, journaled, reflected, and can explain exactly why they feel the way they do. They understand what happened. They know where their anxiety, fear, shame or self-doubt comes from.

So why does their body still respond as though the danger is happening now?

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. And more importantly, it doesn't mean therapy hasn't worked or that you're doing anything wrong. It may simply mean that talking has helped you understand your experiences, but your brain and nervous system haven't yet had the opportunity to fully process them.

Think about a physical injury for me...

Imagine you cut your arm. At first, it's painful and tender to touch. It needs care, protection and time to heal. You wouldn't expect it to heal overnight. You'd clean it and probably cover it with a bandage. You'd be careful not to keep knocking it or picking at it because you know healing takes time. Now imagine that every few days someone gently removes the bandage and asks you to tell them about the wound. They ask how it happened, what you remember, how it felt, how much it hurt. Over time, you become incredibly good at telling the story. You could probably describe every detail of the injury better than anyone else. But no matter how well you tell the story, talking about the wound isn't the same as helping it heal. The wound still needs the right conditions. It needs safety and time for your body to do what it was naturally designed to do, heal.

Our emotional wounds deserve that same compassion.

Yet somehow, we often expect ourselves to heal differently. We tell ourselves we should be "over it by now." We become frustrated that, despite understanding exactly what happened, it still hurts. Yet we'd never look at someone recovering from a broken leg and say, "You understand how you broke it, why aren't you running yet?" We instinctively understand that physical healing takes time, patience and the right conditions.

Our brain and nervous system are no different. Talking can be an incredibly important part of healing, helping us make sense of what happened and helping us feel heard, understood and less alone. But sometimes talking gives us insight without changing the way the memory is stored. Understanding what happened is important. But understanding isn't always the same as healing.

Healing isn't just about knowing your story. It's about giving your brain and nervous system the opportunity to do what they were always designed to do, heal.

Why insight doesn't always change how we feel

Many people believe that if they can just understand their past well enough, they'll stop feeling anxious, overwhelmed or triggered. And insight is incredibly valuable. It helps us understand our story but it doesn't always change how our nervous system remembers it.

Have you ever noticed you can know something logically while your body feels something completely different? You know you're safe, but your body doesn't seem to believe you. You tell yourself, "I'm okay”, yet your heart races, you avoid situations you know shouldn't bother you, you react more strongly than you'd like. Later, you find yourself wondering, "Why did I do that again?"

If you've ever found yourself asking that question, you're certainly not alone.Your brain is doing exactly what it learned to do to protect you. The thing is, sometimes those protective patterns remain long after the danger has passed. It's not because you're weak or because you've failed. It's because your brain is still trying to keep you safe.

When memories become "stuck"

Our brains are incredibly good at processing everyday experiences and most of the time, events are sorted, stored and integrated naturally. But overwhelming experiences don't always get processed in the same way. Sometimes the memory becomes emotionally "stuck and instead of feeling like something that happened in the past, it continues to feel as though it's happening now.

That's why something seemingly small; a smell, a tone of voice, a place, or a particular situation, can suddenly trigger emotions that feel much bigger than the moment itself. It's not because you're weak. It's not because you're overreacting. It's because your brain is responding to something it hasn't yet had the opportunity to fully process.

How EMDR works differently

One of the many reasons I love EMDR, is that it doesn't rely on talking alone. Instead, it helps your brain return to memories that became emotionally "stuck" and process them so they can be stored in a more adaptive way. You still remember what happened, the memory doesn't disappear, but it often loses its emotional intensity. Instead of feeling like you're reliving the experience, it begins to feel like something that happened in the past. Many people describe it as finally being able to remember without becoming overwhelmed.

One of the greatest privileges of my work is watching people realise they don't have to stay stuck. Not because they're forgetting what happened or because they're pretending it didn't matter. But because, often for the first time in years, they can think about their past without feeling pulled back into it.

Healing isn't about forgetting. People sometimes worry that healing means pretending the past didn't happen. It doesn't. Healing isn't about erasing your story. It's about changing the way your story lives inside you. The memories may still be there and the lessons may still remain. But the fear, shame, guilt or overwhelm no longer have to hold the same power.

If you've been wondering why you're still struggling...

Please know this. Talking therapy can be incredibly valuable. It helps us make sense of our experiences, build insight and feel understood. But sometimes healing requires more than insight alone. Sometimes your brain and nervous system need the opportunity to finish something they were never able to complete at the time. Maybe you've spent years believing you simply need to "try harder" to move on. Perhaps the problem isn't that you've been trying too little. Perhaps you've simply been using a type of therapy that wasn't designed to help your brain process the memory in the way it needed.

Healing isn't about forgetting what happened. It's about finally being able to remember it without feeling like you're living it all over again.

If this article resonates with you, it may be because you've reached the point where understanding your experiences isn't enough, you want to feel different, too. EMDR may be one approach that can help.

About the Author

Kate Landete is an Accredited EMDR Practitioner and registered Clinical Counsellor with a special interest in trauma, anxiety, attachment and nervous system-informed therapy.